Supa Dupa Rugby Round-up with Francois “Aint nothin’ but a G thang” Badenhorst

Hat-trick Hero Pretorius

Usually in the opening paragraph I write something provocative to grab your attention. If you think I’m gonna change my approach, you’d be terribly wrong. That’s right, I’m gonna face rape you with Super rugby information so pull in.

In New Zealand, The Blues beat the Waratah’s 31-17 in a rocking match full of running rugby. Both teams attacked like champions and I have not seen ball handling of that quality since that brothel in Mexico. It was 24 minutes before the first scrum took place and both teams deserve some major kudos for how they played. The Crusader’s won their match against the Chiefs 34-16 quite handily despite Dan “King of Rugby” Carter’s absence. The Chiefs tried their best but are too low on confidence and quality to have realistically stood a chance. A major boon for other Super Rugby teams is that the Chiefs effectively neutralised Sonny Bill’s influence. The Crusader’s don’t consist entirely out of Sonny Bill, however, and you just need to look at blistering winger Sean Maitland to see that. The Highlanders ran riot on the Rebels winning 40-18. Highlanders flank Adam Thomson once again did not disappoint, the guy is omnipresent on the pitch. I’m not even kidding ; I’m almost sure that he has cloned himself.

The Brumbies are not good at rugby, I think I’ve said that before. It was the Force’s turn to beat them this week with a final score of 27-19. James O’Connor is the most talented young player in world rugby right now and that is stone cold fact. He literally spends his life embarrassing more established international stars. Force lock Sam Wykes also gets a shout for being the most improved forward in Australian rugby. The Red’s continued their fine form last weekend when they beat the Bulls 39-30 in Brisbane. Let’s be honest here though, the most important happening in this game was Digby Ioane’s crab dance after scoring a try. It was magnificent! There is nothing anyone could’ve done in the game to overshadow Ioane’s dance. NOTHING. Not even Quade Cooper playing the game of his life. I urge you to youtube it; do it now! (or see video below) 

Stormer’s beat the Lions 33-19 and what a relief that was. I’m not even gonna try and be neutral here. The Stormers needed this win after getting manhandled by The Reds the week before at home. The Lions actually played their best game of the campaign so far but just weren’t good enough to even come close to winning. The Stormers replacement centre Johann Sadie looks mighty impressive for a Super Rugby newbie and bagged a sweet try when he came on. The best game of this round of Super Rugby was played in Bloemfontein with the Cheetahs losing in the last minute to the Hurricanes 50-47. This was an absolute heartbreaker for Cheetahs fans (i.e my dad) as the Hurricanes scored a full pitch effort in the 80th minute to get their noses in front. Both these teams get major credit from me though. They played positively and with a reckless abandon reminiscent of the Irish banking system pre 2007. It was a beautiful sight with some magnificent tries being scored. Cheetah’s scrummie Sarel Pretorius bagged a hat trick and prop Coenie Oosthuizen has a bigger workrate than most back rowers.

There you go my friends, all up to date and with it. You are now one of the cool kids. Congratulations

Supa Dupa Rugby Round-Up with Francois “Give Ireland to the Irish” Badenhorst

Kade Poki in action for the Highlanders

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Super. Super who? SUPER FUCKING RUGBY ROUND 8. Yes.
We start, as always, in New Zealand with news of the Highlanders narrowly beating the Cheetahs 24-21. The Cheetahs were full of scrap once again but just didn’t have enough class to get the victory. The Highlanders are quietly going about their business and are gonna be in the mix come playoff time, mark my words. Highlanders goose stepping winger Kade Poki seems to be delivering on the promise he showed as a junior All Black and is as dangerous as experimenting with heroin when he gets into space. The Crusaders mangled the Bulls 27-0 with the Bulls - forwards and backs - apparently forgetting that catching the ball is, in fact, a fundamental part of rugby football. It’s always the ‘Saders glory boys who get the credit but a guy like Corey Flynn, their hooker, is the foundation on which their attacking style is built on.
Meanwhile in the land down under (Where woman blow and men thunder), it was a battle of the star studded losers in Canberra when the Brumbies beat the Hurricanes 17-16. These two teams have such a strong aversion to winning that I was quite surprised that this didn’t end up a draw. No player deserves a mention from this game unless I was mentioning underperforming players and I don’t have the time to write the names of 44 players. The Waratahs seem to be getting over their recent slump as the manhandled the Force to the tune of 31-3. If anyone was wondering, Drew Mitchell is good at rugby. Just wanted to clear that up. In related news, Kurtley Beale looks like a rat.
Oh Stormers! My beloved Stormers! Why did you let the Reds beat us 19-6 in Cape Town? Damn. As much as I hate to say this the Reds did a job on the Stormers, they really did. Quade Cooper showed he was more than an attacking fly half with one of the best displays of out hand kicking I have ever seen. The Reds showed great maturity for such a young team and coach Ewen McKenzie deserves plaudits for tailoring a game plan that completely dumbfounded the Stormers. As for you, Stormers, go in sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done. Allright, put these words in the correct order: Lions, 27, lost, to, Sharks, the, 3, the. If you guessed “The Lions lost to the Sharks 27-3” then pat yourself on the back. Yes, that’s right folks the Lions lost. Writing a piece about a Lions game is alot like rewriting an obituary. The words may change but the person in the obituary is still dead and the Lions still lose. I’d like to make an addendum to the saying “The only sure things in life are death and taxes” making it “death, taxes and the Lions losing.”
There ya go, now you sons of bitches are in the know about what happened in Super Rugby last weekend. I hope you feel honoured.